Treasures from the Abyss

I've recently been cleaning out my room, a task that sorely needs to be done. Naturally, I found some wonderful gems, some nostalgic, some hilarious, and some straight up baffling as to where they came from or how they found their way into my room. They include some of the following:

This classy sweatshirt and scarf combo

A time capsule accurately predicting my career path, even though I didn't know what I wanted to do until my  freshman year of college

an inflatable graduate monkey

A toe ring and ankle bracelet (or an "anklet," as I would affectionately refer to it as)

an old baby toy

A certificate for "direct thinking"-- some things never change I guess

Some seriously 90s shorts

3 yo-yos even though I could never really yo-yo-- again, a 90s kid

A Lakers pin, despite never having liked the Lakers

An unsent secret admirer note

A half-completed cross stitch of "Home is where the cat is"

A neon green quill pen

A Jacob Black blanket--my mom thinks she's funny

Now here's where it gets good:

A can of beans, a spoon, and a roll of toilet paper in a disney princess bike pouch

This diaper...

with chocolate inside!

I can only attribute these to Vienna Ward white elephants, because I can't think of another place I could get something so weird.

Last, and probably my favorite, this classic kids book:

Apparently my love for hilarious cat pictures started way before lolcats.

If Men Aren't From Mars, I Don't Know Where They're From

This semester has reinforced to me over and over again that men and women are SO different. From  interior design to tv preferences, I sometimes wonder how men and women have managed to peacefully coexist for thousands of years.

A few weeks ago, I saw the Muppet Movie with some friends. There's a great part where Kermit invites Walter, the protagonist, to perform in the Muppet Show.

Walter says something along the lines of "But the Muppets are so talented! There's no way I could ever be as great as them!"

Which Fozzie interrupts with: "Check it out!"

"Fart shoes!" 

I thought it was funny, but the guy sitting next to me thought it was really funny. 

Here's why.

The rough female humor analysis: 

"That's ironic--that doesn't take ANY talent!"

And the male version:

"HA! FART SHOES!!"


Boys.

Plato's Cave of Mexican Food

I wish I had a cave of Mexican food. But that's not the point.

If you've ever studied any philosophy, chances are you've probably heard Plato's Allegory of the Cave. It goes a little something like this:
(If you know this, feel free to skip the green part.)

There are prisoners in a cave. They have never seen the light of day, each other, anything--the only thing they are able to look at are the shadows on the walls, which they believe is real life (for example, they understand a 'tree' to only be the shadow of the tree). One day, a prisoner escapes. Dazzled by the light, he at first can only look at shadows and reflections. He is then finally able to see the real objects themselves, and understands that they are far more real than the shadows he has been looking at. Finally, his eyes adjust enough that he is able to look at the sun, and understands that the sun is the reason for everything around him--the light, the trees, and his capacity for sight. The sun represents the ultimate form of The Good. Excited by this, he returns to the cave to tell the other prisoners about his discoveries. Unable to understand or believe him, they try to kill him.


So you've probably asked yourself by now:

What does this have to do with Mexican food?

Here it is:

The cave is Chipotle, or any other Mexican food you think is good. It's good food when it's the only thing you know. Everyone in my hometown is obsessed with Chipotle, but I was never satisfied. Was this the best thing Mexican food had to offer? I longed to escape the cave.

One day during my freshman year of college, my friends brought me to Cafe Rio. So began my escape. I saw the colorful atmosphere and fun facts on the walls. Shadows and reflections. Then I saw the homemade tortillas, the fresh ingredients, and the lime-cilantro sauce. The trees, the flowers, the animals. 

Then the Sweet Pork. The Sun. 

Enlightenment. Pure Deliciousness. THE GOOD. The so, so, SO good. The ultimate Mexican food form of The Good. Life in the cave, i.e. Chipotle, will never be the same.

Fast forward two years. Cafe Rio sets up shop near my hometown. I begin to spread the great, enlightening news. But instead of the excitement I expect, I hear anger, denial. Nothing can be better than Chipotle, they say. They refuse to try it, and instead want to kill me.

Coincidence? I think not. 

Plato knew what he was talking about.

Interned: The Sitcom

One night 5 of us interns were walking to dinner when I realized that our lives would make an excellent sitcom. So, with some ideas contributed by other interns, and apologies to the interns who weren't on that walk (but sorry guys, you snooze, you lose, especially when it comes to Nando's), I bring you:

INTERNED

The entertaining, whimsical comedy about American interns in the Scottish Parliament, starring:

1) Iain

A Scot, real parliamentary employee, and  pub quiz extraordinaire, 23 year-old Iain will be running for local council on a platform to bring back the Hovercraft as a viable form of public transportation. 

2) Yassef

As the token gay guy AND sassy black friend, Yassef can say pretty much anything that the rest of us are too white or straight to say.

3) Colin

As our hippie mountain man who always wears a ponytail and loafers, Colin manages to photobomb almost every picture we take with a ridiculous facial expression.

4 & 5: The Two Audreys

The two Audreys both go to Utah schools, have long, thick, blonde hair, love to dance, and are roommates. You can already see the confusion/hilarity this could cause, I'm sure.

4) Bad Audrey

As a non-Mormon from Utah who goes to the University of Utah, "Bad Audrey" always has to explain that she's not a Mormon, despite the fact that she gets drunk on half a glass of wine. Her blonde moments are always a source of entertainment.

5) Good Audrey

As a Mormon who's not from Utah who goes to BYU, and who's in a place where the two national drinks are whiskey and a hangover cure, "Good Audrey's" objection to alcohol makes excellent comedic fodder and gets her gifts like Disney's Happy Kids Sparkling Apple Juice.

If The Office, Scrubs, The West Wing, and Friends had a love-child, Interned would be it. It would have aspects of office drudgery, politics, and students, all in a foreign country. Win-win-win-win.

The show would also include other hilarious occurrences and characters, such as:

• The series opening with me walking into work on my first day and finding an old guy picketing to see my boss
• Our awkward relationship with our internship coordinator
• Nutcase conspiracy theorists
• Schezey but hilarious Highlanders who will offer themselves to anyone
• A lovable Frenchie who accidentally hits "Reply All" to an email explaining that he doesn't know what duct tape is
• Extreme Scottish Nationalism
• Bad Audrey, a libertarian, arguing with Iain, a socialist, over gun control
• Misunderstanding accents
• Valley girls
• Racing down the halls of parliament with recycling bins on legs when there are internet outages
• Deep fried foods (ie pizzas, mars bars, you name it, they got it)
• Inside jokes that run through every episode

And if our lives were a sitcom, our SNP-funded trip to Belgium would have been the movie.

And despite what you may think, all of this is actually true. We really are that weird. 

And I love every single one of us.

Now who's up for Season 2?