Sleepy Carla & Snape's Fool-Proof Remedy for Insomnia

I've come to the realization that Sleep-Deprived Audrey is not the same person as Well-Rested Audrey.

And I'm not the only one who struggles with ridiculous-when-tired alter-egos. Comedian Mike Birbiglia's is dubbed Sleepy Carl:

When I'm sleep-deprived, my "Sleepy Carla" comes out at night and around meal times, most frequently in the form of insane and completely irrational impulses that, if you're lucky, get restrained. They include, but are not limited to:

• karate-chopping the nearest person in the stomach
• crushing potato chip bags
• somersaulting across the floor
• grabbing the hand of any or all males within a 10-foot radius, despite said hands' owners
• licking tables in public places

These impulses are often sudden and fleeting--like a lightening bolt, they strike unexpectedly, then leave before I have time to think through the consequences, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

Sleepy Carla's mania does not restrain herself to social situations, but often plagues my thought processes. For example, when I'm Sleepy Carla, they turn vocal. I talk to myself, laugh at things I say to myself (At least someone thinks I'm funny, anyway), and yell at inanimate objects when they don't do my bidding. This can be enacted in private or with other people around--Sleepy Carla doesn't care. Sleepy Carla has no shame.

Sleepy Carla's worst brain befuddlement, however, comes right as my head hits the pillow. See, Well-Rested Audrey puts her brain into screensaver mode during the day--it's there if I need it, but otherwise it'll be flashing pretty pictures or drawing a blank. Sleepy Carla, on the other hand, decides that the best time to jiggle the mouse on my brain is when Well-Rested Audrey wants it to switch into "hibernate" mode. As a result of this inner conflict, my mental processes at night are sub-par at best: my brain gets nothing accomplished while keeping me up for hours while running through never-ending cycles of thought that generally go something like this:

As excited as I am to go to Scotland right now, I kind of want to punch Sleepy Carla in the face.

But a few weeks ago, I had a stroke of inspiration:

Occlumency.

That's right. The obscure branch of magic that Professor Snape attempts to teach Harry Potter in The Order of the Phoenix is going to help me solve my muggle problems.

Snape tells Harry to empty his mind every night before he goes to sleep to keep his dreaming on the DL and to shut out Voldemort brain intrusions. So what if it doesn't work for Harry? It works for Snape. And if it can work for Snape, why can't it work for me? I don't even need to keep the most powerful Dark Wizard to ever exist out of my head, I just need to keep the nut-job that is Sleepy Carla out long enough to fall asleep.

Makes sense, right? And sometimes Occlumency actually works! But apparently I am more like Harry and less like Snape than I thought, because this is usually what ends up happening:

Curse you, Sleepy Carla.

P.S. If you think I'm really weird after reading this, a) you're right, and b) note the time-stamp c) note the time stamp is 3 hours behind reality, and 4) you'll know who's really behind this post.