So I've always thought that over-the-counter drugs were my friends. They kill disease, they knock me out for 10 hours when I need to fix my sleep schedule, and best of all, they require no doctor permission. What's not to love?
But then I met Claritin.
One time I took a Claritin. Then I took another one 12 hours later. Well apparently, you're not supposed to do that. Apparently, taking 24-hour pills every 12 hours is NOT the correct way to take medication. But I thought they were 12-hour doses. It's not my fault I didn't see the huge "24 HOUR" written on the front. So all day I was really restless. I couldn't bring myself to focus on anything for more than about a minute, even though I'm generally good at focusing. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't entertain myself, I WAS GOING INSANE. But then, I had a marvelous idea. I checked the box. Oops, just OD-ed on Claritin. At least then I KNEW what's wrong with me. "You won this time, Claritin," I conceded with a bit of a laugh. After all, having your first OD with a decongestant is kind of funny. UNLESS YOUR DEAD. Just kidding. Not a fun OD, but a funny and generally harmless one.
So I thought Claritin and I had settled our scores, that it'd had its little fun with me, and now it would be obedient and do what it was supposed to do. Apparently, I THOUGHT WRONG.
Today I woke up with an allergy-induced sore throat. When it didn't go away for a couple of hours, I took a Claritin, thinking since I'd actually take the proper dosage this time, I wouldn't have a problem. I'm okay for the first few hours, just drowsily surfing the internet. But all of a sudden, I'm seized with instant boredom with EVERYTHING. I can't read. I can't watch TV or movies. I'm too tired to go on a walk or hang out with a friend. Nothing sounds fun. I find myself singing "Put the Lime in the Coconut" and coming to the conclusion that finger-painting is the only viable option for boredom relief. Then it hits me. Claritin has done it again! One dose is an OD! You're sneaky, you are. If I'm Batman, then Claritin is The Joker. I'll get you next time, Claritin, next time.
Here's to you, Claritin, the Satan of all decongestants. I have you to thank for my current half-lucid stupor. I'll have you know I still haven't ruled out finger-painting.
In case you haven't heard from the mass pandemonium that went on on the East Coast yesterday, there was a 5.8 earthquake originating in Virginia (REPRESENT). There were reports of people running and screaming in the streets. So naturally, I was one of them. I mean, you can't really blame me with damage like this:
Childhood art tipped--traumatic
I mean, look at this CD tower. There are, like, 7 CDs toppled onto the floor. Clearly there was cause for panic.
Granted, there was some legitimate concern in DC, seeing as it is almost the 10-year anniversary of 9/11:
Seriously though, there was some damage in some places, like the DC Temple. Apparently the tips of 3 or 4 spires fell off--so imagine 80-pound metal javelins falling on you from 7 stories + 50ish feet. That might be the worst possible way to die, because then you would know that God wants you dead more than He wants the temple completely intact. You'd KNOW where you'd be going after that.
So I've recently rediscovered a blog/journal that I kept during 8th grade, and suffice it to say, middle schoolers are hilariously strange. Here are some great quotes from 13-year old yours truly, with no editing for grammar or spelling.
"i told him hes seriously the most racist person i know! then i came home and made plenty o snickerdoodles"
Talking about my sister, when I was mad at her: "she was like ugh!! blah blah blah and i was like go away!!"
"Miss Congeniality--yeah the story of my life in 20 years"
"i know everyones entitled to their own opinion, even if its wrong"
"i was at [my grandma's] house during the democratic convention and she was yelling at the screen LIAR!!" Yeah nothing's changed there.
Quote from my then-6 year old brother: "hiss! u hypnotized me into hurting myself!"
"hola mama sitas!"
"and i was like whatEVER mom i cant concentrate on 1 thing for half hour how can she expect an hour?????"
"ugh so now im like grr to my mom. grrr..."
"k so neway"
At the beach: "i burned my feet the first couple days cuz the sand was soo freakin hot and then i realized that i should probably wear my flip flops down to the beach so then my feet didn't get burned nemore."
"this morning i was woken up from my sisters REALLY LOUD alarm! die! it was turned up like ALL THE WAY. DIE!!!!"
"ha ha ha! i rock!"
Back-to-school blues: "the dreaded s word is coming waaaay to fast"
"im like lady ur an idiot! its really really hard to stop laughing when you are giggly and other people are laughing! i mean seriously! she must be the most not fun person ever!"
"hoo boy! this stinks"
"WHATEVER freaking idiots"
"if i go to bed ill be really annoying when i wake up..."
In regards to Harry Potter 6: "juicy stuff."
"ha ha i pretty much tricked my dad into wanting to buy me an ipod for christmas . . . ha ha my dads so gullible"
"was listenin to my sis's new backstreet boys cd (incomplete is an AWESOME SONG!!!)"
At the end of an entry: "alright thats enough"
"umm ur not 1 to be racist since ur 1/2 arab...?" Oh my...wow...haha
"we are sooo nuts!"
"adam omg did u actualy leave that stuff in ur pants?" <--I wish I knew what this was referring to
talking about my love for Star Wars: "yeah im a dork but pretty much any1 who doesn't like them hasn't seen them or wasn't paying attention when they were watching"
"some sevie got syrup on one of the [bus] seats! What idiot would have syrup on the bus anyway??! neway, went to the art exhibit"
"monday- i dont remember"
"i noticed all the guys were showing off and trying to flirt with the girls (trying being the key word)"
"wooped bootay on r tests"
"science- 'independent study' yeah right we were talking pretty much the whole time"
Trying to teach my brother 'por favor': "or provor"
Take your child to work day: "then my dad had a meeting that i sat in on and i fell asleep for like half the meeting ha ha. and i was sitting at the conference table and everything."
"i think its funny cuz everyone knows backstreet boys songs but is too scared to admit it"
"gym- ran the mile...ugh"... yeah that hasn't changed at all
"everything is ripped open or left out or just gross or gone stale cuz we have annoying boys in r house who have too much energy and aggression."
Related a dream where our bishop shook his butt to "baby got back"
"ah my seat in science stinks! im next to [name withheld] who never talks, across from ______ whos annoying when he talks, and diagnal from ____ whos annoying when he talks which is all the time"
Another 7-year old brother quote: "frickin little chicken little..."
"MOM THIS WEEK WE HAVE TO HAVE GRILLED HOT DOGS AND CHEESEBURGERS!!!!"
"my mom was stickin her feet on my nose". Good to see you haven't changed, mom.
"weve decided that u guys should get us all ipod minis as ur wedding present to us."
"wth" for "what the heck"...before "wtf" was popular. I'M SO COOL.
"the things ya like..." questionnaire:
- "getting your siblings in trouble- Oh yeah!"
- "writing poetry- pssh waddya think im mrs hepperle??"
- "playing an instrument- it should according to my mom"
- "going to school- ha ha good one"
- "working- ha ha that 1s just as good as the school one
cleaning your room- that one too
orginizing your closet- and that one"
- "spraying whip cream in your mouth- Oooh baby that sounds good"
- "doing homework- ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And last but not least, 2 videos I thought were hilarious:
"Pokementos"
I've come to the realization that Sleep-Deprived Audrey is not the same person as Well-Rested Audrey.
And I'm not the only one who struggles with ridiculous-when-tired alter-egos. Comedian Mike Birbiglia's is dubbed Sleepy Carl:
When I'm sleep-deprived, my "Sleepy Carla" comes out at night and around meal times, most frequently in the form of insane and completely irrational impulses that, if you're lucky, get restrained. They include, but are not limited to:
karate-chopping the nearest person in the stomach
crushing potato chip bags
somersaulting across the floor
grabbing the hand of any or all males within a 10-foot radius, despite said hands' owners
licking tables in public places
These impulses are often sudden and fleeting--like a lightening bolt, they strike unexpectedly, then leave before I have time to think through the consequences, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.
Sleepy Carla's mania does not restrain herself to social situations, but often plagues my thought processes. For example, when I'm Sleepy Carla, they turn vocal. I talk to myself, laugh at things I say to myself (At least someone thinks I'm funny, anyway), and yell at inanimate objects when they don't do my bidding. This can be enacted in private or with other people around--Sleepy Carla doesn't care. Sleepy Carla has no shame.
Sleepy Carla's worst brain befuddlement, however, comes right as my head hits the pillow. See, Well-Rested Audrey puts her brain into screensaver mode during the day--it's there if I need it, but otherwise it'll be flashing pretty pictures or drawing a blank. Sleepy Carla, on the other hand, decides that the best time to jiggle the mouse on my brain is when Well-Rested Audrey wants it to switch into "hibernate" mode. As a result of this inner conflict, my mental processes at night are sub-par at best: my brain gets nothing accomplished while keeping me up for hours while running through never-ending cycles of thought that generally go something like this:
As excited as I am to go to Scotland right now, I kind of want to punch Sleepy Carla in the face.
But a few weeks ago, I had a stroke of inspiration:
Occlumency.
That's right. The obscure branch of magic that Professor Snape attempts to teach Harry Potter in The Order of the Phoenix is going to help me solve my muggle problems.
Snape tells Harry to empty his mind every night before he goes to sleep to keep his dreaming on the DL and to shut out Voldemort brain intrusions. So what if it doesn't work for Harry? It works for Snape. And if it can work for Snape, why can't it work for me? I don't even need to keep the most powerful Dark Wizard to ever exist out of my head, I just need to keep the nut-job that is Sleepy Carla out long enough to fall asleep.
Makes sense, right? And sometimes Occlumency actually works! But apparently I am more like Harry and less like Snape than I thought, because this is usually what ends up happening:
Curse you, Sleepy Carla.
P.S. If you think I'm really weird after reading this, a) you're right, and b) note the time-stamp c) note the time stamp is 3 hours behind reality, and 4) you'll know who's really behind this post.
