My life as stand-up

So I've decided that my life serves either as proof for the truthfulness of stand-up routines, or as material for one. Last weekend I went to Humor U, BYU's stand-up comedy show. One guy was joking about how girls love food more than guys. Well, this week I found out how true that is. Sunday night our ward had a fireside in the Varsity Theater. When it was over, my roommates and I were standing outside the theater (after having our own treats, mind you), and were looking at the engaged couples fireside's treats with envy. As we're staring that way, a guy in our ward walks from that same direction and thinks we're all looking at him, and gets confused. We explain to him, no, we're not looking at you, we're looking at the food behind you. The only reason I began to think about him was in creating a strategy where he could be my fake fiance so we could go take the treats. Sad, right? I mean, this is a good-looking, great guy. Poor kid, he didn't stand a chance.

As far as material goes, this sounds like one of those stories comedians pretend come from real life, but you know they totally make up, but I promise, this really happened. At BYU, all the walk signals at the crosswalks chirp like birds, supposedly so blind people know when to cross. The fact that you can't tell which road the chirping is telling you to cross makes this a really safe and efficient system. The other day I was standing at the corner, waiting for it to let me cross. While I'm staring at the red stop hand, a bird chirps in a tree nearby and I immediately begin walking. What is wrong with me?? I'm staring at the sign, yet I'm still walking! I've been classically conditioned to walk when I hear birds now, just like Pavlov's dog. But I can use this to my advantage, see. I can't be the only one who's been conditioned this way. So now I'll be looking for ways to control my roommates through bird calls.